Telephone time out
by spiffytgm
Summary: Answer to the MomofPhoenix challenge! It seems that Stephanie's not the only one taking a time out! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**This is a response to the MomofPhoenix challenge about taking a time out. I hope I did it justice!**

**Any character you recognize belongs to JE. The mistakes are mine, though...**

"Stephanie Michelle Plum, time outs are for sports, not relationships! How can you expect Joseph to marry you if you keep taking time outs?"

"Mom, what makes you think I'll ever be ready to marry Joe?"

"All I want is to see you happily married. Is that too much to ask? Why do you keep taking time outs when it looks like you are close to getting engaged? You take whatever time you need to think about that, and we'll discuss it at dinner tonight."

"But mom."

"No buts, young lady. You will be here for dinner at 6:00, or you can forget about ever seeing a pineapple upside down cake come out of my kitchen again. Do you hear me?"

I could hear her blow out a breath on her side of the line. "Fine, mom. See you later." I hung up the phone and walked over to the cabinet to get a glass for my tea. I swear, one of these days that daughter of mine is going to be the death of me. I took a calming sip of my Jack Daniels, really the only man I could always count on, and put the finishing touches on lunch. Meatloaf sandwiches don't make themselves, you know.

Frank, Edna and I were sitting at the table eating lunch. I was telling Frank that it was disgraceful the way his daughter carries on with that nice Morelli boy. How can you just call a relationship time out? That's when the phone rang. As I stood to answer it, my mother said, "You should take a time out from that stinking phone."

I stopped and turned back to her. "What are you talking about, mother?"

Frank looked up from his plate and said, "You know, the old bat's right. I can't remember a time when I haven't seen you either ironing the laundry, drinking your tea, or gabbing on the phone. I bet you couldn't go a week without two of those things."

The phone stopped ringing, and I dropped back into my seat, amazed. I think that's more I've heard from Frank than I've heard in the past two years combined. I looked at him. "Who's going to iron your shirts if I don't do it, Frank?"

He swallowed the bite he was eating. "Then don't give up the ironing. I bet you that you can't go one week without using the phone or drinking your 'tea'."

"That's ridiculous. What would I get when I won?" I can do this, it'll be a snap.

Frank got a glint in his eyes. "All new appliances. Every single one. I'll get you a new washer and dryer, refrigerator, freezer, dishwasher, microwave, and stove. Hell, I'll even buy you a new iron. Everything top of the line, whatever you want."

Oh my god. I think I had an orgasm just thinking about all that gleaming stainless steel. I would be the envy of the entire Burg. I checked my mouth for drool. "And if by some strange chance you win?"

Now he was openly smiling. I get to build a den in the basement. I get a new seventy inch ultra high definition flat panel TV, and you promise to leave Stephanie alone."

I could see his eyes glaze over at the thought of getting a monster TV like that. Before I knew what came over me, I said, "You have a deal."

Just then, my cell phone rang. I stood to answer it, and Frank took a sales flier from Best Buy out of the newspaper. What did I just get myself into? I sat back down and ignored the phone. My mother sprang out of her seat and said, "I'll take care of that." She grabbed my purse and came back to the table. She took my cell phone out and removed the battery, bringing an eerie silence.

When the kitchen phone rang again, Frank wiggled his eyebrows, but I stayed in my seat. He stood and walked into the kitchen, and I followed him. I almost cried when he removed the cord from the socket in the wall and draped it over the phone. My phone looked so sad. I glanced at my fridge and strengthened my resolve. I can do this. While he was watching me, I walked over to the cabinet and grabbed the bottle of Jack. With a smile right back at him, I opened it and dumped the contents down the drain. I whimpered a little, but I can do this.

After lunch was over, I washed the dishes humming to myself. I was thinking about that brand new dishwasher, and how good it was going to look next to my new refrigerator. This wasn't so bad. Before I know it, the week will have flown right by.

I looked at the clock when I finished the dishes. It was 1:15. This isn't too bad. I set up my ironing board and plugged in my iron. There are enough clean clothes to keep me busy for hours, then it will be time to start dinner. Honestly, If Frank would have said something sooner, I could have had my new appliances a long time ago. I ironed. When I was done with the clothes in the hamper, I looked at the clock again. It was only 1:45. Dang. It was too early to start dinner, so I ironed the napkins and tablecloth again for good measure. 2:00. I wondered idly what my friend Angie was up to, but I didn't call. I turned off my iron and set it aside to cool.

There was nothing else to do, so I went upstairs to make the beds and clean the bedrooms. When I got there, I realized that I already did that this morning, which was where the laundry came from. I made sure that everything was folded precisely before I put it all away. When I got downstairs, it was 2:10. I vacuumed the whole house again. At this rate, you'll be able to eat off of the ceiling by the end of the week. My right hand felt itchy without my phone or a glass in it. I dusted the living room until it was time to make dinner.

I was standing at the door waiting for my daughter when she pulled up at 5:59. I had already set the table and put dinner out, so we all sat down to eat. Stephanie kept looking from me, to my mother, to the glass of water I had at the table, back to me again. She threw her hands up in the air and said, "Okay, I give up. Why aren't we talking about it?"

I took a sip of my water. "Talk about what?"

She looked at me. "Nobody's called you?"

"No, I've had my phone turned off."

Her eyes got as big as saucers. "You what?"

"I turned off my phone. Honestly, Stephanie, it's not like I'm glued to the thing." My mother almost choked on her wine.

"Before you heard?"

"Heard what?"

She blew out another breath. "I thought about what you said about time outs and relationships."

Oh, thank you, lord! She's finally going to admit that she and Joe belong together. "And?"

"And you're right. If you spend more time in time out than you do in the relationship, you don't really have a relationship." Wait a minute, that doesn't sound like what I said to her. "I realized that we took all these time outs because Joe and I were together for the wrong reasons. We weren't being honest with each other, and it wasn't fair to either one of us."

Panic started to set in. "So you decided?"

"I had a real, honest talk with Joe. If we got married, we'd be miserable. We both want different things. In the end, I gave him his key back. Maybe we'll be friends again someday, but even that's going to take some time." That's the last thing I remember hearing before I crashed to the floor.

I woke up with my mother and my daughter standing over me. My mother was holding my now empty water glass and I was soaking wet. Stephanie helped me get up and sit in my chair. I can imagine all the voicemail messages on my phone by now, but I had to keep my cool. "Why would anyone call me about that?"

Stephanie cringed. "Because it kinda happened in front of the bonds office."

My vision was starting to narrow. "WHAT?"

"It's not my fault. I called Joe and told him that I wanted to talk to him. He told me that he was busy. Then he shows up at the bonds office, telling me that he didn't have time to stop what he was doing and anything I had to tell him, I could just say right there. The next thing I know, we're yelling at each other, and surrounded by people filming us on their cell phones. I was sure you had heard about it by now. I figured you were drinking water because grandma slipped you some Valium to keep you calm."

I managed to croak out "Why me?" before it was lights out again.

I woke up the next morning on the couch. I guess they couldn't get me up from the second time I fainted. Why is it always my daughter that surrounds herself with drama? As I stood up, I realized that I didn't have my morning headache. I guess sleeping on the couch is good for me. It was 6:00 am, so I went upstairs to do my morning business before everyone else got up. By 7:30, breakfast was done, Frank was out driving his cab, and the dishes were washed and put away. I found myself looking at the kitchen phone frequently, but I didn't plug it back in. The silence was deafening as I straightened up the bedrooms and started the laundry. By 9:00, I was going out of my mind wondering what everyone was saying. I decided that if the news couldn't come to me, then I would go to the news. I hurried my mother up and drove to Giovicchini's.

The store was practically empty when I walked in. Where was everybody? I spotted Bella at the deli counter and I knew why no one was there. That woman is crazy with a capital C. Before I could make my escape too, she saw me. "Your daughter broke my Joey's heart! I'm gonna fix her good. Next time I see her, I'm gonna give her the eye!"

Before I could say anything to her, a dinner roll went sailing over my shoulder and hit Bell in the middle of her forehead. The look on her face was priceless. From behind me, my mother said, "Take your goofy eye and stay away from my granddaughter!" Bella sputtered and marched out of the store. Why me? I'm sure that by the time I make it home, my phone will be ringing off the hook. Then I remembered, my phone is already off the hook. I paid for our groceries and sat down in the car to cry.

Three days into the bet, Stephanie's car blew up. The only reason I know this is because my mother told me about it when she got home from a viewing. My friends can't call me, and when I go out, they treat me like a leper thanks to Bella. She told everyone that she gave me the eye. Now any time I go to the market, they turn and walk the other way. I stared at the disconnected phone for two hours, willing it to ring.

On day six, Stephanie came to the house. I didn't even go to the front door when she got close. I heard her come in. "Mom? Grandma sent me over. Are you all right?" Am I all right? Of course not, I'm a mess. Every time my mother sees me, she tells me to lighten up. My husband leaves the house early in the morning and doesn't get home until 6:00, because he says I'm driving him nuts. My only companion has been the Felix the Cat clock on the kitchen wall. Every time his eyes go back and forth, I can hear him saying, "No booze, no phone. No booze, no phone." I'd throw him away, but he's keeping me company.

Stephanie walked into the kitchen and let out a gasp of shock. "Mom! What's the matter?"

I looked at her. "I only have one more day, and I'm gonna win, damn it!"

She gently helped me stand and led me towards the stairs. "Of course you are, mom. In the meantime, why don't we get you out of your jammies and into some clothes, okay? Then we'll wash off yesterday's makeup and take the curlers out of your hair. That way you'll look pretty when you win."

While she was wiping the mascara off my face, I asked her, "Why are you doing this for me?"

She smiled and said, "Because Emily Beeber would do this for her mom." She sat with me for the day, while I watched those eyes go back and forth.

Day Seven. Holy Crap, I made it. I danced around the kitchen making breakfast. When Frank went to go out in his cab, I told him, "Don't forget to come home for lunch. That's when I win the bet!" He just grumbled as he walked out the door.

When I brought lunch to the table, my mother was there with Frank and Stephanie. As I served the sandwiches, I told everybody, "Well, I made it. By the time lunch is over, I will have earned every one of my delightful new appliances. Thank you all for helping me."

Frank actually smiled. "You surprised me, Helen. I didn't think you had it in you, but you made it. The silence in the house since we started doing the telephone time out has been worth the cost of the appliances. Congratulations!"

I took another look at Felix the clock. 1:15. It was over. The appliances were mine. Frank left the room and came back a minute later with a bottle of Jack Daniels. He poured each of us a glass, and we toasted my success. I closed my eyes and felt the burn as it slid down my throat. As Frank plugged the phone back in, I turned to Stephanie. "Go in the living room. I want to use my phone." She smiled and did what I asked her to. I picked up the phone and dialed my daughter. As soon as she answered I said, "WHY ME? Why is it that my daughter is always blowing up her cars? If you worked at the personal products plant, this wouldn't have happened! If you got married and settled down, this wouldn't have happened. Why does my daughter have to be the one who works with criminals and blows cars up?"

Oh, it feels good to be back!


	2. no time like the present

**The first part of this story really got some mixed reviews. Some people really didn't like the end, but I thought it was pure Helen. I also got a few requests to do another bet, and a request from a special friend to have a roll over injury happen. I've driven manuals since I got my license (a thousand years ago, those Flintstonemobiles are a bitch to drive) and I have left cars in Neutral without setting the brake (talk about a holy crap moment). I've just never had a roll away. My sister did once, maybe that's why she drives automatics now... Anyway, everything just sort of fell together right here. I hope you enjoy it! :-) Yabba Dabba Doo!**

**All the characters belong to JE, all mistakes are mine.**

Helen Plum was not having a good month. Sure, she had won the bet against her husband, but her victory was, so far, a hollow one. She was driving to Al's Appliance Wonderland to do some serious shopping, when she got into a fender bender. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but her beloved Buick needed to go to the shop for repairs. While her car was in the shop, they gave her a loaner. Unfortunately, the only loaner they had available had a manual transmission. The girls were in elementary school the last time Helen drove a stick shift, but she needed a car.

The first day, everything was fine. Helen managed to get all her errands done. She even stopped at her friend Angie Morelli's house for some Irish coffee. She was running behind, however, because the stupid car kept stalling on her. She was unable get to Al's because dinner would have been late. That was unacceptable. Helen was talking on the phone as she pulled into the driveway. She was a little distracted, and left the car in neutral. The problem with this was the fact that she also forgot to set the parking brake. As she started walking up the walk, the car started rolling down the driveway.

Edna came to the door and yelled, "Helen, the car!"

Helen ran to the car to try and stop it, but as she grabbed the side view mirror, the car rolled right over her foot. Dinner was very late that night, as the whole family was in the emergency room waiting for Helen to get a cast. The good news was that Edna spent her time in the waiting room uploading the video of Helen's misfortune to YouTube.

Eventually, Helen was released with her new cast, strict instructions to stay off her foot as much as possible, and a shiny new walker to help her get around when she did have to walk. The first few days of Helen's convalescence were wonderful. She was given some truly excellent pain killers to help her recovery. All of her friends stopped by to visit. They brought casseroles so that she didn't have to cook. Valerie brought the girls over to visit, and they drew bright pictures on her cast. Even Stephanie came over and listened to Helen complain that she was worried that Joe might have been her last chance at happiness.

By the end of the week, Helen was starting to get irritated. There was only one bathroom in the house, and it was upstairs. Navigating the stairs took about a half hour each way. In the mornings, she had to listen to both Frank and Edna pounding on the door, yelling at her to hurry up. Really, she was going as fast as she could. She'd like to see them do any better. On Saturday she got "the idea". The week of her bet with Frank hadn't been that bad, she could do it again. At lunch the next day, she brought the idea up to Frank. "Would you be interested in going double or nothing?"

Frank looked up from the Sports section he was reading. "Depends on the bet."

Helen was smiling. "I propose another time out. The same rules as last time. If you win, you get your Den and I leave Stephanie alone. If I win, not only do I get the appliances, but I also get a powder room down here."

Frank thought about it. He had to admit that his house was blessedly quiet the whole week, but Helen had been a wreck by the end of it. He thought it might be a little easier for her this time, because she had pain pills instead of booze. Still, another week of no phones would be worth it. "All right, you're on." He went to the kitchen and unplugged the phone. Edna took her purse and removed her cell phone. She couldn't believe that they were going to do this again.

The first day was fine. There were still a couple of casseroles in the fridge, and Helen's friend Thelma Klapp came over for a visit. The second day, they ate the last casserole, and none of Helen's friends stopped by. On Wednesday, Stephanie came over for another visit. She brought dinner with her, and it smelled delicious. "What is all of this?" Edna asked as she helped Stephanie unpack the box.

"Grilled cedar planked Salmon with sun dried tomatoes and balsamic vinaigrette. I told Ella about mom's mishap last night, and she wanted to do something nice for you."

Helen was sure that Frank would hate to have such a healthy meal, but when he took his first bite, the strangest thing happened. Frank moaned in appreciation of the wonderful food. He hadn't done that in years! "Pumpkin, this is terrific. Please thank Ella the next time you see her. Maybe she'll even share the recipe with Helen?"

Stephanie giggled. "I'll see what I can do, daddy."

Helen sat there gaping like a fish at the thought of cooking a recipe that came from that woman. She tried to keep her voice neutral when she asked, "Did you see Ella when you were leaving work yesterday?"

Stephanie looked nervous. "Um, well this really goes back to the whole time out thing. When I broke up with Joe for good, Ranger started coming by. I realized that he was the one I was meant to be with, but he's told me in the past that he doesn't do relationships. This time I told him that it was all or nothing. I don't want to get married or have kids anytime soon, but I do want a promise that he'll be faithful to me. We can figure out the rest as we go. Last night he took me out on a date. A real date at a restaurant with cloth tablecloths and a maître d'. It was wonderful." Stephanie got a dreamy look in her eyes. "Anyway, I had worked later than I expected to, so I used Ranger's apartment to get ready. That was when I ran into Ella."

Edna was hanging on Stephanie's every word. "Did you get to check out his package?"

Stephanie swatted at her grandma playfully. "No, grandma. He told me that if we're going to have a relationship, we're going to do it right, and it's going to be good." Frank nodded, glad that his daughter was being treated like she deserved to be. "I'm surprised you didn't hear about this sooner, mom. We saw Carla Barroni at the restaurant. I thought for sure she would have called you by now."

Helen started banging her head against the table muttering, "why me?" as Edna fell off her chair laughing. Even Frank could admit that it was pretty funny. Once Edna righted herself, she told Stephanie, "They're doing another one of those telephone time outs. Once again, Helen missed the call."

Stephanie dropped her head into her hands. "Well that explains Angie Morelli's message, then."

Helen perked up. "What message?"

She looked at her mother. "She said she couldn't get a hold of you today. She asked me to tell you that if you want her to bring you another casserole, just give her a call." She giggled. "Of course, you can't do that, can you?"

On Thursday, Helen ran out of pain pills. She was really starting to hate her stupid cast. It was starting to itch like crazy. That night Stephanie brought over Chicken Marsala with whole wheat pasta. Again, Frank moaned over the meal, and gushed about what an excellent cook Ella was. Helen spent the entire meal staring at the empty liquor cabinet. Stephanie told her grandma that the next night was Val's turn. She had a hot date with an even hotter Cuban. She could hear Helen's "Why me?" as she walked to her car.

Helen made it through the whole week without breaking down. Frank was really surprised by how well she held up. Maybe she was turning over a new leaf. Perhaps she would stop all the incessant gossiping. Frank decided to take the day off from driving his cab so that he could personally take Helen to Al's Appliance Wonderland. After all, she had even more shopping to do now.

Helen hobbled up and down the aisles. She was still having difficulty getting around even with that blasted walker, but she was in appliance heaven. She was pointing out to Frank which refrigerator she wanted, when Evelyn Nagy came up to her. "Helen. It's so good to see you out and about. I was going to stop by later. I can't find that new phone number you gave me. Let me put it in my phone right now."

Helen muttered something to her and kept walking towards the dishwashers. Edna snatched her purse out of the little basket in the front of the walker and dug through it. Triumphantly, she held up the small burn phone she had found in the bottom of Helen's purse. She scrolled through Helen's call history and tsk'ed at her daughter. "I knew that was too easy for you. Helen Plum, you've got some explaining to do."

Just then Al himself came over to where they were standing. "That's an excellent refrigerator you're looking at, there. I have them in stock, and can deliver by the end of the week."

Frank clapped Al on the back. "I think we'll pass on the fridge for today. What can you show me in Ultra High Def TV's?"

Helen hobbled along behind them moaning, "Why me?"


End file.
